You know the signs.
The silent treatment, backhanded compliments, sulking, sarcasm and withdrawal. Or wanting you to be a mind reader.
This subtle, toxic behavior is known as passive-aggression.
ƵItƵs the demonstration of negative feelings, resentment and aggression in a discreet or passive manner,Ƶ according to Justin Bariso, author of the book, ƵEQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence.Ƶ
This behavior is characterized by subtle comments or actions that may lead to mixed signals, as the speaker avoids direct communication about his or her feelings of displeasure.
WeƵre faced with passive-aggressive behavior in all walks of life. Think about your work colleagues Ƶ or disgruntled service workers you encounter while running errands.
You might even face it at home, from your partner or child Ƶ especially if theyƵre having a bad day. Or from a friend or relative who doesnƵt return your calls or texts.
A passive-aggressive person may appear to be polite, friendly, kind and well meaning. However, manipulation could be taking place underneath.
How does it show up?
According to Bariso, (www.eqapplied.com), passive-aggressive behavior may exhibit itself in a variety of ways:
1. The Silent Treatment: After agreeing to do things a certain way, the other person avoids you as much as possible. They refuse to engage Ƶ or turn a cold shoulder.
2. The Sulker: WeƵre used to this behavior in kids, although plenty of adults do it, too. When the passive-aggressive person doesnƵt get their way, they can become sad and bitter, sucking the joy out of any room they enter.
3. The Forgetter: Your coworker, family member or friend may agree to help with a task, but then they donƵt follow through. They may claim they ƵforgotƵ when they had no intention of helping out in the first place, according to Bariso. Or they simply procrastinate to the point that you (or someone else) need to take over.
4. The Low Performer: Instead of completely failing to follow through on a task, this person carries it out but does so sloppily. On the outside they pretend like theyƵre being supportive. By performing below expectations, though, they let their true feelings shine through.
5. The Needler: This person uses sarcasm or backhanded compliments to try to undermine your sense of self-confidence Ƶ or eat away at your nerves. They may seem like theyƵre being vague, but they know exactly what theyƵre doing.
Ten things passive- aggressive people say
These ten common phrases, compiled by licensed social worker Signe Whittson (www.signewhittson.com), can serve as an early-warning system, helping you recognize hidden hostility when itƵs being directed your way.
Whittson is a co-author of the book, ƵThe Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces.Ƶ
1. ƵIƵm not mad.Ƶ (denial)
2. ƵFine. Whatever.Ƶ (shutting down direct communication)
3. ƵIƵm coming.Ƶ (verbal compliance; failing to follow through)
4. ƵI didnƵt know you meant now.Ƶ (using procrastination to frustrate others)
5. ƵYou just want everything to be perfect. (inefficient compliance; dragging oneƵs feet)
6. ƵI thought you knew.Ƶ (claiming ignorance)
7. ƵSure, IƵd be happy to.Ƶ (falsely appearing to comply; secretly sabotaging efforts)
8. ƵYouƵve done so well for someone with your educational level (backhanded compliment)
9. ƵI was only joking.Ƶ (sarcasm)
10. ƵWhy are you getting so upset? (setting others up to lose their cool Ƶ and then acting shocked at their overreactions)
What are the causes?
So, why does the passive-aggressive person resort to these tactics? Why not communicate directly? Well, itƵs complicated.
The person exhibiting this behavior may not even be consciously aware he or she is doing it. Maybe theyƵre Ƶpeople pleasersƵ who have a difficult time dealing with conflict, so they resort to these indirect methods.
Anger and resentment rear their ugly heads here, as well. A passive-aggressive person may have so many layers of negative feelings built up Ƶ by not dealing directly in the past Ƶ that it exhibits itself in a number of other ways.
The website points out some of the potential triggers:
- Upbringing: If a person was raised in an environment where the direct expression of emotions was discouraged, he or she may carry this prohibition of feelings into adulthood Ƶ and resort to other ways to channel their frustrations.
- Situational characteristics: When one is in a situation where direct communication that may be confrontational is not socially acceptable, they might be more inclined to respond in a covert way.
Emotional toolbox
When confronted by a friend, co-worker or romantic partner who regularly engages in passive-aggressive behavior, what can you do?
- Keep your anger in check: DonƵt get defensive. Passive-aggressive behavior often aims to provoke frustration. Staying calm keeps the situation from escalating.
- Address behavior directly, although gently: Name the behavior without attacking the person. For example, ƵI noticed you seemed upset when I brought that up, but you said it was fine. Is there something youƵd like to talk about?Ƶ
- DonƵt play along: Avoid sarcasm, guilt-tripping or indirect communication yourself. Model direct, respectful behavior even if they donƵt.
- Ƶk for clarification: If theyƵre vague or evasive, ask open-ended questions to clarify their meaning. This can gently push them toward more honest communication.
- Know when to walk away: If the passive-aggressive behavior is persistent and harmful Ƶ and discussion doesnƵt help Ƶ it may be best to set some boundaries. Limit your interaction or seek support (especially in a workplace or family setting).
Looking in the mirror
If some of this sounds familiar, donƵt worry. ƵWe all engage in some of the above behaviors from time to time,Ƶ says psychotherapist Andrea Harrn (www.andreaharrn.co.uk) ƵPassive aggression is when the behavior is more persistent and repetitive, with ongoing patterns.Ƶ
Take a step back and look at your own behavior:
- Improve your self-awareness: Recognize when youƵre avoiding, sulking, procrastinating or using sarcasm.
- Practice expressing yourself: Conflict is an unavoidable part of life. Knowing how to assert your feelings before a sticky situation arises can go a long way.
- Start paying attention when youƵre triggered by people and situations
Clearly, a lot of our communications can get lost in translation. ThatƵs why itƵs even more important not to add layers of deception.
Fine. Whatever. (See what I did there?)
